ROBERT GREEN (Sin Index Rating 99%).
Unlike Cheryl Tweedy, Green never caught anything in Africa. England's World Cup went downhill from the moment the keeper spilled Clint Dempsey's deceptively weak shot into the net. Still, he was the only England player to return home with an award - the USA's MVP.
JONAS GUTIERREZ (97.6%, inc 1.6% bonus for his appalling hair).
Incredibly, Wor Jonas started the tournament as Argentina's right-back, fuelling speculation that Diego Maradona was back on drugs. The Toon midfielder might have been out of position, but that was no excuse for his dire displays... or his hair.
WILLIAM GALLAS (98%).
Poor old Billy caused a stir last season when he was pictured smoking a cigarette after an Arsenal game. Well, the strikers who faced him in South Africa could have had a cigar on.
FABIO CANNAVARO (65%, to match his age).
Italy's ancient skipper lifted the trophy four years ago. Good job they did not win it again or the 36-year-old would have needed a Stannah lift to climb the steps.
PATRICE EVRA (Capt, 94%).
The Manchester United defender was without doubt France's best striker. Bob Crow's favourite left-back led a revolt as captain by getting his players to down tools - but only succeeded in benching himself for their final game against South Africa. The only surprise was that 'Le Scargill' was not standing at the end of the tunnel beside a flaming oil drum with a placard, calling his team-mates 'Scabs' as they ran out.
CRISTIANO RONALDO (99%).
'The Winker' revealed last week he had become a father for the first time - after he was left holding the baby for Portugal's dismal World Cup campaign. A shadow of the player who wowed us in the Premier League and, if he is like that now, what will he be like after months of night feeds?
KAKA ... Cacka more like
MARK VAN BOMMEL (96%). Can he kick it? Yes he can. And he did. In fact, the Holland hatchet man stuck the boot in to anything that moved in South Africa - except his father-in-law and Dutch coach Bert van Marwijk, who ignored his son-in-law's anger issues and continued to pick him. The Bayern Munich midfielder may miss the first month of the new season because he needs to be quarantined.
KAKA (66%). Ricardo Izecson Dos Santos Leite, or as we shall now call the Brazilian midfielder after his performances at the finals - Cacka. He's the UN's youngest World Food Ambassador. Well, he gave his opponents everything on a plate.
FRANCK RIBERY (94%). Horrible, terrifying, scary, ugly. And that is just the French winger's passport photo. His displays at the tournament were even worse.
WAYNE ROONEY (99%). England's balding attacker blamed the fans while his Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson blamed the pressure. But the truth was our supposedly best player could not trap a bag of hair restorer.
NICOLAS ANELKA (95%). Chelsea's 'Le Sulk' proved to be sharper with his mouth than he was with his feet as he achieved the remarkable feat of arriving home even earlier than his team-mates.
COACH: RAYMOND DOMENECH (1,000%). And we thought Fabio Capello was bad. Domenech is even worse. His players hated him and his fans hated him. Imagine Katie Price managing the England team and you are halfway there.
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